You Wouldn’t Want Me To

I have been dreading this day coming… it was coming fast. This last year has been such a difficult year for so many reasons. You, Bud, Covid, Spot. If I was to give this last year a title it would be, The Year of Loss. I feel like we have all lost so much this last year.

I have had a hard time deciding how I was going to face today, how I was going to handle it. I toyed with the idea of sitting in front of the TV with my box of tissues, the hallmark channel on TV crying my eyes out for more reasons than the sappy, romantic movie on TV that you and I would have watched together. I often sit in the evening after coming home from work, looking around at the pictures of us and of you that are placed around and ask myself if you know how much you are missed. Recently, finally, ball season resumed. The first game back that we attended was hard, I contenplated not going at all. I looked back where your seat was, different faces occupying your spot. SO many things have changed. I had so many different emotions. I am convinced you were up there cheering, clapping throughout the game, a small smile came to my heart. In my mind I decided which player you would have chosen to be your favorite this year. Still nothing is the same.

I considered for awhile even intended, on visiting your grave today. I thought I would bring Spot kitty down and bury her at your grave site as I know you would want. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I am on a trip instead trying my best to keep it together today. I am suppose to go and site see, find something to do in a place unfamiliar keeping my mind occupied. I haven’t been able to make my way out of this hotel room except for lunch with Scott. My dear Scott, the love of my life. I know I have to be strong for him. I know deep down his heart is hurting today, missing you. He tells me often he feels the loss of you. I remember all our conversations about Mr. Larry and of Scott. Your love for Mr. Larry and mine for Scott being so similar. I am comforted at least knowing your up there now with Mr. Larry and I can picture the smile on your face and the look in your eyes, you used to tell me how I look at Scott the same way you did Mr. Larry. I understood your love for him because I feel that same kind of love for Scott. I decided to sit in this room as long as necessary to let out the emotions I have cooped up inside from missing you. The feeling of not having you here to give me your wise opinions and your prospective of things I don’t understand. I miss the laughter we shared during our stories and reminicing of your younger years. I miss you, I wish you were here so I could share with you my accomplishments. I wish you were here so I could share with you how angry I have been this last year. I know you could tell me why, without tell me. I know you could give me prospective and advice, without giving me advice. You did that so smoothly. I have sat here most of the day wondering how I would handle today. I have made my decision after a few tears and remembering the beautiful memories I have of you. I will always have those. It has been a bit since I have ugly cried. So many things have happened this year since yours and Uncle Buds passing and Covid hitting, instead of letting myself feel all the hurt and loss, I have felt I needed to be strong, therefore I buried the hurt and the loss, kept busy, loss my purpose, lost focus. I Asked questions I knew I would never get the answer to.

I am going to choose to look at the upside, I had the honor of getting to know you in the few short years God allowed our paths to cross. I learned that being friends has no age limit and it is all about souls connecting. I am so very grateful for the impact you had in our lives. I recently in the last few months learned of something you told someone regarding me.. I am so blessed that you took the time to know me, to know what I am about, to know my heart, to see through the first initial emotional reaction of things. So many people miss out on the most beautiful people in life because they don’t take the time to truly get to know them. You did though. You knew me so well for the short few years you spent with me. I cherish that. I will never forget little sayings you told me like “there is no such things as good intentions, if it is important enough to you, YOU will make time!” I will never forget that. I feel so much joy thinking back on all the experiences we shared, all the talks over lunch, all the time we spent together. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

I know your up there looking down on us. I know you are still nudging me, teaching me things without saying anything specific but saying enough for me to “get it.” I learned today why I have struggled so much this last year. I kept trying to pin point the thing that made me so angry, that made my heart start building walls again. What thing that occured that turned off my ability to listen to the signs and voice that allowed me to show love and grace when faced with difficulty. It was during my memories and my emotions coming out today that I realized what the thing is that set it all in motion. It was the loss of you, then loss just kept piling on again and again. Instead of letting my heart grieve, I put on a brave face just like you use to do and I went on. Here I am tears in my eyes, crying ugly, as my heart grieves all the loss of this last year. When you don’t greive, your heart doesn’t celebrate the good things, not until you get past the hurt. I can hear you telling me you wouldn’t want me to keep it all in. You would want me to put my big girl panties on and cherish the times we shared and remember the good times with all that I lost this year, find the positives and keep those parts in my heart, not the grief. Celebrate the love and blessings God has given me.

Okay, Ms. Ruth I hear you loud and clear. I love you and I miss you. Please find Uncle Bud and give him a hug for me and tell him I love and miss him too! Look out for him would ya! Bring him to a game! I will bring Spot to rest with you soon! I hear you and I know you wouldn’t want me to keep being angry. I promise I will work on that. Thank you for everything, for your friendship, your love and especially for all my memories. Rest in Peace.