When I’m Gone

I find that now as I grow older, I am in a much different frame of mind. I think differently. I love differently. I process things differently. I treat people differently. My priorities are different…

The world is evolving at such a fast pace and it too is different on so many levels. In these times, what I will call pandemic times, it is a time we have the best opportunities to be looking within ourselves with a fine tooth comb, not judging others. We could be placing emphasis on being kind to others, helping those in need, appreciating our families, placing them as a priorities. We could be focusing less on “things” more on eachother. We could be joining together as human beings to rise above all the challenges we face daily. Not being in judgement of every word spoken or every witnessed action. It is not our place to pretend to know each persons heart but only what is in our own.

I often thought of these kinds of things before the pandemic time hit but now, now it is a consistant thought in my mind. People are hurting, angry, acting without thinking, without considering consequences, putting themselves above all others. People are acting with selfish and cruel hearts. People are placing emphasis on material things instead of what is left behind when those material things are gone. It brings me to ask myself, what is it I will have left for those behind me? What is it that they will remember and take away from the life I lived while here on earth? Will it be about my material things? How much money I had and did I leave it to them? What material items I might have that carry a monetary value in today’s world that can be sold or how it will benefit them? How much money I spent on them while I was here on earth? I will hold on to hope for when I am gone.

I became what I would call a TRUE Christian late in life. I was about to turn forty to be exact. I have always believed in God, however I didn’t attend church regularly. I felt I would be a hipocrit to sit in church knowing I wasn’t walking the walk. I promised myself that when I asked God into my heart that I would be walking the walk. I would not sit in a pew pretending that I was doing God’s work within my actions as I walked in and out those church doors, when I knew full well I was amongst those who needed God most. I continue to make effort to be better each day. I am growing my faith daily. Making my efforts true to what God would expect of me. This leads me to what I hope I am leaving for those behind me and leaves me wondering about what will be important to my friends and family when I am gone.

I spent a great deal of my life believing in order to be accepted or be successful, I would have to possess material things, or a title requiring initials behind my name. I wasted a great deal of time in my life chasing after paths that would hopefully and eventurally lead me to money and expensive possessions. I am extremely grateful for the failures, challenges in life and the change in my mindset. I am thankful I ended up hitting rock bottom.

What is it that I hope transpires after I am gone…..I hope and pray that I leave this world and that I indeed fulfill my responsibility in God’s eyes as a Christian to be rewarded with a place in heaven. I hope that my children especially see the changes in my actions, carried out in my everyday life to show just that. I hope that my example shows them that we do not have to be worthy to ask God into our hearts, we just have to ask. If we ask with a pure heart he will help and guide us through the rest if we trust him. It is so worth it.

I hope that my friends and family find value in my examples. My examples of loving unconditionally. This means loving regardless of one’s faults. Regardless of whether or not they ever hurt me or did me wrong, but that I loved them unconditionally as a fellow human being fighting the same game of life, with the hope that they would desire change and seek it, that they work for it until they have transformed their life.

I hope that I leave an example of showing kindness even in times when one’s actions seemed less deserving, kindness is in one’s heart. It is part of whom one is. There is a difference in being nice and being kind. I learned that throughout life. Sometimes all a person needs, is to be shown kindness. Some have never been extended the gift of kindness. For some it is a challenge and for others comes effortlessly and natural.

My hope is that my friends and family see my effort in trying to be better each day. There is noone that is unable to be better than they were yesterday. Being better each day goes hand in hand with learning. We can never stop learning for if we do we will cease to grow. No one is above learning a lesson. Lessons present themselves when we are willing to listen and receive them.

My hope is that my family and friends remember that my valuables are not material things they could hold in their hands. My valuables consist of rather simple things. Things like time, memories and moments.These are the same things I attempt to share with them each day that I am here. Then as time passes, I place them in a special place. I keep them present, safe and sound in my memory, a place unaccessable when I am gone. My hope is the opportunity to realize them isn’t missed while I am here or that they aren’t lost when I am gone.

My hope is that my strength is recognized when I am gone. I have failed many times but each and every time, I get up brush myself off and try even harder the next time. I rely on my strength to get me through the most difficult challenges. I used my strength to show if you believe you can, you will. Most importantly I dig deep and use that strength to overcome my fears and heartbreak life throws at me and I became who I am this very moment. I am proud of the person I’ve become. I still use my strength each and everyday. Will they see these things when I am gone?

Again I ask myself, Will they celebrate me in a way that shines on the things I hold as my most valuable possessions? Will they strive to carry on the things I hold most near and dear to my heart? Will they carefully examine photographs which captured each moment or memory? Will they decorate their Christmas trees and remember our time spent every year, togther placing special keepsakes on the tree? Will they notice when I made the change and made TIME a priority? Will they remember my passion and wild spirit in standing up for those who could not or when I used that passion inside me to seek out who I wanted to be? Will they often remember who I was and what I was all about? Will they share stories, moments and memories with those yet to come or will they focus most on selling off things that were a part of my life with a dollar sign and let my real value fade into the abyss? Oh how I wonder what will be when I am gone.